well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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