Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
