How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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