1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
