2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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