Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
