I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
