I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
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