And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
