Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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