Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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