I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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