Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
