This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
