Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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