Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
