The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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