just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
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No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
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I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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