youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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