The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
