Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well you can't waste a boner
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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