I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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