sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
