One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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