Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
