He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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