Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
