I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
