Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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