I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
