I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
