Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
