I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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