fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
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hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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