I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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