was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
