I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
