I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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