Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
