Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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