Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
