apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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