you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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