i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
