So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
