my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
