First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
