i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
