I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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