i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
