Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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