On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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