Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
