she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
