Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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