on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
