listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Randomize
