I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
