Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
