he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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