when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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