I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
